The Worrier is the Porsche owner (usually a new owner) who frets constantly about every detail regarding his baby. Most of us are Worriers to some degree when we get our first Porsche. Worriers will approach everyone in the club about which weight and brand of oil they should use in their car. They'll get on the internet and research endlessly trying to find the best leather conditioner, aromatherapy wax, herbal car wash, tire pressure gauge, etc. They'll change their oil every 500 miles and replace the air in their tires because it might be stale. They'll short-shift their car at 2500 RPM just to make sure it doesn't get over-revved (even though the previous owner may have regularly banged it up against redline). The Worrier won't corner his car hard because that would place undue strain on the delicate chassis. These guys are usually cured when they discover that their anal behavior has actually done more damage than good to their car; “Well, sir, you car runs like crap because the valves and combustion chambers are totally carboned up – you should run this thing hard through the gears every once in awhile to clean it out.” Or: “I'm sorry sir, but your paint was damaged by leaving the bra on your car while it was raining.” If the Worrier isn't cured quickly he may evolve into the undesirable “Queen.”

2. Techno

Everyone knows who the Techno is; he's the guy that can quote by memory the entire text of Karl Ludvigsen's massive Porsche – Excellence Was Expected. Technos are useful as Club pets because at many events you don't have Internet access to the Library of Congress. They can answer most of your Porsche-related questions right off the top of their head. If you want to have some fun, ask a Techno a question that he can't answer -- he'll be up for three days straight trying to figure it out so he can preserve his honor. They can drive any kind of Porsche, it doesn't really matter, and they see themselves more as experts on Porsche lore rather than active participants in the Porsche driving experience.

3. Status Conscious

Peter Schutz, former president of Porsche, once said; "for some people, a Porsche is nothing more than a fur coat, it's something you wear, not something you drive". Peter was describing the Status owner. It is extremely unlikely that you will ever meet one of these owners at a Club event. Why? Because they don't know that the Club exists, and they wouldn't join it if they did. These are the people that create the unfavorable Porsche-owner stereotype. They overdress, wear too much gold, park in handicapped zones, have bad traffic manners, and look down their noses at everyone. If you happen to meet one of them in say, a parking lot, and you are not driving your Porsche the conversation could go something like this:
You: "Nice 993, how do you like it?"
Status owner: "Actually it's not a '93, it's a '97 'Porsh' Carrera. I like it okay, but you have to shift it a lot and my wife's Lexus rides much better. I might trade it for a Boxer, they ride smoother and you can get an automatic in them. I know a guy at the dealership"
This guy knows absolutely nothing about Porsches except what they cost.
The Porsche Gods created Status owners so the rest of us could get good used cars. When the status effect of the car wears off and they discover that Porsches "ride like sports cars", Status owners sell them and move on to Lincoln SUV's – or stretch Hummers. Meanwhile, we all suffer.

4. Garage Queen

These are the guys that will only drive their Porsches if they are going to a Concours - and only if they absolutely have to. Even if a concours requires that a car be driven rather than trailered, a Queen will try to figure how he can trailer it surreptitiously within a few blocks of the show, then push it to the event (so he doesn't stir up any dirt in the engine compartment). If you are unlucky enough to have a car that he perceives as competition, be forewarned. The Queen will carefully scrutinize your car while wearing a facial expression like he is examining a turd. The Queen often has very good knowledge of the historical details of his car because that knowledge relates directly to how the car can be scored in a concours. This knowledge also allows him to lose first place with dignity: "I guess John deserved to win first place, although I am surprised that the judges ignored the fact that he didn't have original tread-pattern Continentals on his car". Garage Queens wouldn't think of driving their cars "hard" because they didn't buy them to drive, they bought them to collect trophies. The best thing about Queens is that you probably won't see them at any events other than concours or shows unless they also own a "driver" Porsche (see "Cautions and Warnings"). The only exception to all of this drivel is the Queen that owns and shows a truly classic Porsche (904, 959, Speedster, etc). Usually you will find that this type of Queen will actually drive his car (even the Porsche factory pulls out the 917's once in awhile so they can flog them on a race track).

5. Wild-Ass Gear head

These are basically hot rodders who have chosen Porsches instead of Hemi-Cudas. The car sitting at the top of the Gear head pyramid is the air-cooled Turbo. Most serious Gear head cars are faster than their track-car counterparts. These cars are so highly modified that they even scare their owners. As a matter of fact, this is the ultimate goal. Gear heads won't stop tweaking until their cars have taken on a "you'd better watch your ass with me" attitude. When you get close to a serious Gear head car you can feel all the little hairs on your body stand on end kind of like you were part of a static electricity exhibit at Science City. If you talk to one of these guys, they invariably have a tremendous amount of respect for their cars (the ones that don't are already dead). Gear heads like to talk about the time that their cars jumped up in the air and changed lanes when they grabbed fourth gear at 120 miles per hour. The cars are immaculate, except for little smears on the paint caused by hitting bugs at 150 miles per hour (on the way to the Club breakfast). Gear heads usually don't show up for many of the Club events because they are too busy doing things like having their pistons ceramic-coated or installing 962 water-cooled heads and 917 rotor/caliper assemblies on their cars. When they aren't tweaking their cars they relax by looking for roads in neighboring counties or states where they can "run her up to 180" without worrying about cops or other drivers. I like these guys, but I don't really want to ride with them.

6. Waterboy

These are water-cooled Porsche owners. Although this category obviously includes 928's, 924's, Boxsters, and the new 911's, I'm thinking particularly of 944's, and 968's. They are usually a friendly lot, even though they know that the purists are always thinking, “real Porsches aren't water-cooled.” Waterboys are well tolerated these days because the turbo versions of these cars are so fast and vice-less on the track. If you are an air-cooled owner and you persist in tormenting a Waterboy, he's likely to get fed up and challenge you to a lap or two at Heartland Park. Personally, I like Waterboys, because they really seem to enjoy their cars and they drive them "as they were intended". Besides, the new water-cooled Porsches are the best Porsches yet in terms of performance, and like it or not, they represent the future of the marquee.

7. Porsche Purist

This is the guy that would make Dr. Porsche proud. He is what I aspire to be when I grow up. He owns any model of Porsche. First and foremost, the Purist knows that Porsches are made to be driven. His car is clean and well maintained and may have been mildly modified with upgrades such as tires, wheels, a raspy exhaust system, etc. He's owned this car for a while and he drives it regularly. His car will inevitably show the wear and tear of being a daily driver. It means that this car will probably never win a concours. But, over the years, his car will begin to acquire a well-worn patina, similar to the kind that you would find on that jack knife that your grandfather carried around in his pocket for 40 years. Unless you are also a Purist, he is having more fun with his Porsche than you are - no matter what you are doing with yours.